Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Randomize
