Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
