My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
