I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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