Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Randomize
