Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
