nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
