I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Randomize
