I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
