sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Randomize
