drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
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