Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
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