The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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