i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Randomize
