...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
