so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
