God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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