If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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