weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Randomize
