My sheets look like a crime scene.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Randomize
