I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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