I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
