I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Randomize
