This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Randomize
