is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
