How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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