He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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