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• (336): View more from North Carolina

  Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll

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• (413): View more from Massachusetts

  your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,

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• (816): View more from Missouri

  Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it

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• (519): View more from Ontario

  When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.

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• (805): View more from California

  a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot

  (818): View more from California

  god is laughing at you again

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• (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.

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• (772): View more from Florida

  Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.

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• (914): View more from New York

  He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike

  (1-914): View more from New York

  Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?

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• (513): View more from Ohio

  Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.

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• (218): View more from Minnesota

  She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.

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• (402): View more from Nebraska

  I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?

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• (757): View more from Virginia

  she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love

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• (209): View more from California

  It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.

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• (509): View more from Washington

  I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.

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• (240): View more from Maryland

  So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"

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