omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
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