The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Randomize
