2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Randomize
