dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
I take back everything I said about communal showers
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Randomize
