I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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