i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
