I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
