have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
