I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Can you repeat that, but with context?
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
