Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
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Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
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It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
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