Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Randomize
