someone threw a dead crab at me
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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