My underwear smells like fireworks.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
dude i just saw a drunk guy attempt to get by IUPD and throw a uprooted bleacher seat over the edge of the stadium. funniest thing of life.
details please.
they caught him 10 rows from the top. the first thing he said was "wait I can explain, i just have to throw this over first."
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Randomize
