I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Randomize
