p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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