Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Randomize
