i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I can't turn off my feet"
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
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