He uses pillows to masturbate.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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