last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
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Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
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What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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