I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Randomize
