Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Randomize
