I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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