I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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