He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
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