I'm eating all of the evidence.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
How does it feel to date your dad?
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
