Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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